It's insane. Topsy turvey. Mind numbing madness.

I absolutely adored it. Dear Lord, I must admit that was bloody brilliant! I'm going to have to favorite this one. I loved the pace of it and how it was childlike yet ::discreet cough:: undoubtedly adult.

Brava!!

Your Obedient Servant,

T.F.

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"I want to walk into the sea and never come back. I want the tide to take me out of me and give me someone else. Maybe for a half hour or so. That would be good...wouldn't it...?"

i dont like how the last paragraphs both end in whore, but otherwise, this was great fun.

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deviant art will ban you for being mean.

The flow seemed to broken up, with some parts rhyming and others not it seemed too jagged, especially the last two paragraphs.

It seems too broken up and jagged in the flow, rhymimg and then not.

it all rhymes. tank-wank, around-ground, jump-thump, cat-hat, strand-sand, war-whore, sore-whore.

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The flow is a bit choppy, but the only fault I found was the use of whore at the end os the last 2 stanzas.

Good imagery, and lots of fun with a great underlying message (intended or not).

For the people saying the flow is choppy, I'd say it's just the first two lines doing it. The whole way through you're in iambic tetrameter, except for those first two lines which are...see, I don't know the literature term, but they move in threes. I'd say it's in 12/8, but that wouldn't exactly help.

'"Get up orf our battlefield'

This is starting on a strong beat not a weak one - maybe something like 'Go, get up orf our battlefield'?

'"I can't," replied the tortopoise
while chewing on a cat,
I'm waiting to be ninety-three,
and wear a bowler hat.'

You're missing the opening quotation mark in the third line there.

"Well move your arse" said platypus
we want to have our war."

Similar thing here, it should be:

"Well move your arse," said platypus,
"we want to have our war."

The only thing apart from the first two lines that could mess the flow up here I think is that some of the lines are a little cluttered with consonants - 'did stop for lunch', that sort of thing. But I don't think you should worry about that. And there's definitely no problems with the rhyming.

I'm going to have to pipe up on the double whore thing as well, it just doesn't quite work. But you don't have to have the rhyme 'sore' there, do you?

'Soon all the foe were lying down
and looking rather hurt -
The platypus did stop for lunch
and munched upon the dirt.'

Just a thought. Cheers!

yay, well that's the last stanza sorted at any rate

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You change from anapaests to iambs. Other than that, a fun little read.

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mimesis, the poetry journal

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