Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconfutilitarian: More from futilitarian


Featured in Collections

Prose by 91816119

Suggested DLD's and DLR's by SilverInkblot

Words by Rieal-Dragonsbane


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
May 25, 2012
File Size
8.8 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
440
Favourites
18 (who?)
Comments
10
×

futilitarian has limited the viewing of this artwork
to members of the deviantART community only.

You can log in or become a member for FREE!

1613 words

Written for the Campfire Chills contest run by =Cassildra

You still have time to enter.

Is this a traditional ghost story? I think so. Maybe you don't think it's particularly scary, but then I think, when you walk into a pub at 11am and see a load of old men sitting on their own in individual booths already half-pissed and staring at their beer mats, those are ghosts too. I think that's a pretty scary thing to become.
Add a Comment:
 
:icontheskaboss:
TheSkaBoss Featured By Owner May 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Niiiice.
Reply
:iconosric90:
Osric90 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Yes, it does have the feel of a ghost story... not outright scary but just creepy and eerie and with the right dose of mystery on what is actually going on, all of it quite reinforced by the apparent normality of the story. It's very good and holds a lot of content especially for being this short word-wise. ^^
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
Reply
:iconnonculture:
nonculture Featured By Owner May 30, 2012
interesting, and quite a unique take. I like it.

Maybe showing an additional (desperate) step for those first coming in to the gym (heaven/purgatory/?), have Chris spend time researching what a proper workout is. That he knows to rotate from weights to lifts to running etc. is not something someone 'scared' of a gym would do, besides it would also help represent study (bible? buddhism? self-escalation?). Love the idea. A very slight more development would be great. If this is for a contest, it should definitely be a contender. I read it all the way through, on DA's odd-green screen, and I rarely do that - well done, regardless of your placing in some contest. This is complete and worthy of competition.
Reply
:iconnonculture:
nonculture Featured By Owner May 30, 2012
To reply to myself - as a ghost story, this definitely works. Anyone who's been at a gym/studio/laundromat/store/empty restaurant/ and so on very late - can relate.
Reply
:iconfutilitarian:
futilitarian Featured By Owner May 31, 2012   Writer
I like your other take on it, the purgatory thing. You're right there's a gap in knowledge that needs to be addressed for a gym first-timer. I will think on it.

Thanks very much for your thoughts.
Reply
:iconsandstar12:
Sandstar12 Featured By Owner May 30, 2012  Student Writer
I read this before you removed the last paragraph, and I agree that the ending is stronger as it is now.

It's not scary exactly, but it's definitely creepy to think about. I really like this. Nice job. (:
Reply
:iconcallerofcrows:
callerofcrows Featured By Owner May 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. This was amazing.
Reply
:iconamodestmouse:
amodestmouse Featured By Owner May 26, 2012
yeah, no last paragraph. this was fun
Reply
:iconfutilitarian:
futilitarian Featured By Owner May 27, 2012   Writer
Last paragraph killed. Thanks.
Reply
Add a Comment: